I think we were all a bit startled by the recent alarm over the Velveeta shortage. The fundamentals of human existence are oxygen, water, sunlight and Velveeta. So the breathless announcement made at the peak of the football season provokes even the modest cheese nibbler to wonder: who got paid to leak that tidbit? Line-ups at the Piggly Wiggly are around the corner.
Kraft executives estimate there are 40 million U.S. households which buy a Velveeta product every year. They point proudly to this market as the Velveeta Nation. Yet somehow, some way, they misjudged demand after owning Velveeta since 1927?
Fortunately, I have a solution in hand for the empty pantry, dear reader. Government scientists can now fill the Velveeta gap without squeezing any additional cows.
Recall, just last week, I alerted you to the stunning news that crude oil could be made quickly from sea algae. How difficult can it be to divert some of the ersatz crude, rich in vitamins mind you, to be fracked into Velveeta? Yes! Science rules!
Quesa Supremo. The Super Bowl can go on.
Putting out press releases like the Velveeta scare feeds consumer skepticism. But the whopper of all time is being laid on us right now under the guise of an identity theft alert. As you know, the nation’s retailer, Target, regretfully announced just before Christmas that their credit and debit card transactions had been hacked. 40,000,000 customers were vulnerable.
I.T. is on the carpet. The accountants are rifling through reports. But up in the marketing department however, the story is being celebrated in the hallways. “Forty million customers! Hah! Take that Costco! How ’bout them apples, Walmart!! Eat your heart out K-Mart! See ya in the funny papers Kohls!” It is a marketer’s dream to be the biggest and best, and Target has staked the claim.
40,000,000 customers is the envy of any retail chain. But why stop there?
“Oh-oh! OH-OH!! Sorry, we got that wrong. It’s actually 70 million customer accounts. We have even more customers than we first said. Call Associated Press! Advise Congress! Tell the networks! Get this on the wire: it was 40 million cards, plus 70 million customer files… that’s 110 million customers!!” And sure enough, the media obliges with more breathless announcements and the new number.
You know, the U.S. Census Bureau tells us that there are 317 million residents here in the country. Deduct 76 million children, and there are 241,000,000 American shoppers available to Target. The retailer tallied 46% of them as customers. Wow! Continental domination achieved.
The IRS counts itself lucky to have 69 million paying customers. I wonder how many like cheese?