January 18, 2015 the Indianapolis Colts had their hats handed to them by the over-ripe New England Patriots. Moments later the incredible tale of the deflated game balls levitated the media for two weeks until the Super Bowl eve.
By then, suspicions were suspended long enough for the NFL to crown Tom Brady, dispense Rings, get Bill Belichick a new hoody, rush Roger Goodell back to his limo, hustle Katy Perry and her Sharks back into her bus, pack Lenny Cravitz into his box, and to astutely hire Ted Wells, locker room attorney, to chase down every possible lead to get to the bottom of this horrifyingly regrettable schmozzle, and effectively bring a calm rational end to the controversy that has rocked the very foundations of the NFL.
In other words, kill it.
Mr. Wells however has been diligent, and we have been able to get an inside look at his case book. Dates are omitted, but you can follow the subject line pretty well:
~ Pigskin or Naugahyde? …. Steer hide! Who knew?
~ Cage free steers… more relaxed?
~ Check laces. Proper bow?
~ Left handed or right handed balls?
~ “Let it Go”… Roger singing this…why?
~ Bratwurst steamer in locker room. Why?
~ BP station in Glendale. Check pumps.
~ Gluten free steers… more relaxed?
~ State Farm “Pump You Up” commercial. Code? What’s with Aaron Rodgers?
~ Belichick… Ideal Gas Law?? Physics degree??
~ Mythbusters test lab– put in call
~ Mental state of footballs?
~ Presidential PAC for Roger. Too much?
~ Get plane tickets, sunscreen
~ Set up out-of-office voice mail
~ Empty shredder
The report may come out soon, but it will be as light as the victimized footballs. The next time we hear about the infamous footballs will be on Cold Case, or on Discovery Channel’s expose on Stonehenge. Stay tuned!