Do you think maybe a Lou Christie tune plays in your head all day because a renegade programmer at Amazon is beaming music directly into your brain? No, I didn’t think so either. Still, it does support the idea of direct human downloading: no more messy Paypal signups, MP3 conversions and ear buds. Unfortunately, my brain only plays vinyl, and on a ’70s turntable. And cassettes. So I will need new headware.
Just in a nick of time however there is a stunning development in the exciting world of microwave technology. Those irrepressible engineers at Duke University have invented a “power harvester”. Not to be confused with the all new Swiffer Steamboost, their device actually sweeps up lost and mis-directed microwaves and turns them into useful electricity. Science alert– we are surrounded, perpetually smothered, in a cloud of energy waves which are whipping around us like angry fetuccine, bouncing off furniture and walls, looking for something soft to stick to.
It turns out that Duke’s “meta-materials” absorb microwaves faster than ranch dressing on a new tie. So all that wasted energy– whole zettawatts of British football crowds, lawyer commercials, deer whistles, Neil Diamond songs, tax returns, trees falling in the woods– can be packed up in sparky voltage to power necessary devices like power tooth brushes and Twitter.
This is a bonus development of quantum proportions. Until now, we had to collect electricity the old fashioned way, rubbing our shoes across a plush broadloom to carefully dispense with a finger touch on our little sister’s neck. Until now, electricity poured out of the wall sockets into invisible pools that Grandma’s cat rolled in before zapping her with a nose-kiss.
And of course it has military significance. Not only does the device collect electricity, but it can transmit it too. It can zap. See that bug on the wall? Cinders.
If you ever had any doubts about the prescience of Ghostbusters, rest assured, the Dukesters are working on a strategic capability as you are reading this.
I am sure you are thinking “wireless Taser cannons”. But no, it’s far more formidable, and on a galactic level. Before long, they will be sweeping up enough subway announcements, Honey Boo Boo ads and congressional filibusters to beam the entire KISS video anthology to Andromeda, thereby warding off potential invaders.
In the mean time, preparation is the key priority. As for me, the tunes just keep on coming, so I have ordered Google Glass.
Which I will hook up to my VCR.