Entertainment, Media, Sports

The Peril of Cable

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Reconstruction goes on, with no traffic tie ups.

We are in the midst of rebuilding our house after extracting a 2007 Acura from the bedroom where it was abruptly parked, 9 weeks ago.

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Billy, our ATT guy sorting out phone lines.

The latest house renovation is re-connecting some of the ATT phone linkage which was damaged during the crash.   My hat is off to those dedicated techies who spend hours on their knees, on pea gravel in crawlspaces of 50-year-old houses, communing with spiders while they unravel nests of old wires, looking for a dial tone.

Cable and wires are my nemesis.

The current Stanley Cup playoffs remind me of my near cable undoing during the 1976 Canada Cup.

Forty years ago we had no television. We found great entertainment listening to the radio. But there was a new show on– M*A*S*H, and curiosity drove me to see it.

TV

Black & white: as good as it gets.

We had inherited a small black and white television, but its rabbit ear aerial could only bring in fuzzy pictures, even from the three local stations. I had learned that a new invention–cable– could pipe in perfect imagery.

All I needed to do was to subscribe. But reportedly, the cost was huge, so we stayed with radio.   Inspector Maigret on CBL Toronto was great theater.
At the time, we rented in a townhouse complex, one of about thirty 2-story apartments surrounding a common. Blue collar young families used the common as a play ground for their kids, who could run off their patios and into the parkland, well within the confines of the complex.

Cable

No amount of protective sheathing will resist a wire cutter.

Our next door neighbor Buzz was a truck driver.   Buzz wasn’t an outlaw, but you could tell by the look in his one good eye and the stitchery across his face that he met challenges head on, or at least, with his head.

Buzz

Buzz, on a good day.

We called him Buzz after we heard him holler across the common to a neighbor about a batch of turkey buzzard soup he was making.  -Not sure that he was a hunter, and it would not surprise me to find he was feasting on something from the grill of his rig.

On any warm evening we could wave to our neighbors who might be on the patio, barbecuing, or enjoying dessert outside.

Guy laFleurCan76_06

Guy Lafleur works his technique.

In September, 1976, the common discussion was about The Canada Cup series.  This was a fierce hockey competition between Canada, Finland, Russia and Czechoslovakia which were fighting each other on the ice for supremacy.

The game between Canada and the Czechs was starting soon, and the chatter all along the patios was about our chances.

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Gyro and his little helper.

On our patio, I was brewing a solution to the TV viewing problem. Gyro Gearloose, unleashed.

I had often seen in our basement the TV cable snaking along the ceiling, one wire going to each room upstairs.  In the living room was a cable outlet.   My figuring was, cut a length of cable from one of the unused bedroom lines, and use it to connect the TV in the living room.

After confirming it was a bedroom line, I deftly severed it to create a 3-foot piece of cable.   Marching upstairs, I connected it to the wall, and to the TV.

MASH-tv-show-15

Success! With 12 channels to surf, too.

Voila!!   Pure, crisp and pristine TV viewing, not on three channels, but on TWELVE channels.   And as I spun the dial, I found M*A*S*H.   Wow!   I was amazed by my brilliance.   Running through the channels, I also found The Game.  First period, and the Czechs are pounding Canada.

Pretty pumped, I went on to the patio to brag about our newfound cable reception.  I wasn’t expecting high-fives, because everyone already had cable, but still…

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Where’s the remote??

Outside there was commotion.  Unsettled residents were sliding open their doors, crossing over to their neighbors, assembling in groups.   There was a mild but growing grumble of discussion floating across the common.

“What’s up?” I asked.

Buzz growled.    He stood about 6’4″ and 260 pounds.  The devil tattoo on his forehead was pulsing.  “Cable’s out.   How about yours?”

“Oh, geez, no, hahah, mine’s fine!” I blurted out.  I hardly had seen the words float across to his pierced cauliflower ears before I realized my blunder.

“Good.  We’re coming over.  Got a bottle opener?”

gyro's helper

A better idea in progress!

“Well, let me just check the kids, first.”  I dove back in to the living room, slammed the door, and literally ripped the cable out of the television.  Unscrewing the wall plate, I pulled the piece out, and ran to the basement.   Minutes later, I had re-connected the wire.

Running back up to the patio, I found Buzz gathering his restive and frustrated friends heading in to our living room.

Out of breath, I put on my most disappointed face, “Geez.  Whaddyaknow..our cable is out too.  Crap. Shucks.  ‘Can’t get the game!”   I kicked the lawn chair for emphasis.

In the next moment, another hockey fan grunted across the common: “Cable’s back on. What the…”

Buzz retreated with his entourage, shuffling back onto his patio, tearing  off a prolonged belch as he slid open his living room door.

We retreated to ours as well.  The TV screen was an oatmeal grey with Hawkeye swimming through it.   I turned it off.  Out on the patio, the sound of distant cheers.

Mean time, we clicked on the radio, Inspector Maigret, surveying a footprint in the garden.  We leaned in closer to hear.

 

 

Thanks for reading!  It wasn’t for a couple more months before I learned that cable was free: it was in the rent.  Canada won the series. Go Hawks!

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Government, Politics, Sports

Performing Under Pressure

Pats & Pres

Number 12 couldn’t make it.

In the locker room~

“Everyone listen up! Step forward everybody who wants to go to the White House!

Scrambled scraping of chairs, shuffling and stamping of feet.  Clearing of throats and nervous coughing.

“Uh, not you Tom.”

Sometimes it’s just not in the cards, and my suspicion is that we didn’t get the whole story when the New England Patriots visited the White House, on their own, without star QB Tom Brady.

The official excuse from the Brady household was that he had a family commitment.  More likely, he was rushed to find one after a round of calls between the back offices of the NFL, Ted Wells, the White House, and of course, the Patriots.

Is there anyone who really believes Tom Brady blew off the President and the Oval Office for a family picnic?  This is the same NFL star who managed to leave town and his family for 12 games during the season,  including the SuperBowl.

Political writers suggested he was a staunch conservative and anti-Obama.  And would never show.

Really?

Keeping Up Appearances At The White House

My hunch is that the powers that be had set up their dance cards about two days after deflategate hit the news. There’s no way that the obsessive meeting planners at the White House only thought in February to ask the Super Bowl champs to visit.

More likely they cued the caterer and photographer last November, don’t you think?  They probably had brackets displayed across the kitchen wall for months.

And the adminions-in-charge would have their antenna up for any possible smudge that could sully a Presidential photo op.   Remember, Aaron Hernandez, another Patriot, was on trial for murder at the same time.

Without question, the President would have to tap dance a bit if the deflated football story didn’t turn out well.

And it didn’t.

Special investigator Ted Wells was assigned to the case February 14, and May 6 he delivered his verdict.

The timing was precisioned too. With the deftness of a Manhattan social maven, Wells stalled past March Madness. Got beyond the MLB spring opener. Stretched it through tax day. Slid through the White House visit.   Let the NFL draft event take place.  And then 4 days later dropped the hammer.

The President was spared the embarrassment of hosting a person who was under a cloud. But to be sure, they burnt his invitation.

Their hunch was right, and they probably had it confirmed by Wells, or NFL’s Roger Goodell, weeks before.

To save face everywhere, Tom Brady stayed at home to see the fam, because after all, when it comes to what counts, politics is definitely low  priority.

Or is it?

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Marketing, Media, Politics, Sports

We’ll Never Hear About Those Balls

Ball Pressure

Hypertense?

January 18, 2015 the Indianapolis Colts had their hats handed to them by the over-ripe New England Patriots. Moments later the incredible tale of the deflated game balls levitated the media for two weeks until the Super Bowl eve.

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“Quickly Roger! The game is afoot!”

By then, suspicions were suspended long enough for the NFL to crown Tom Brady, dispense Rings, get Bill  Belichick a new hoody, rush Roger Goodell back to his limo, hustle Katy Perry and her Sharks back into her bus, pack Lenny Cravitz into his box, and to astutely hire Ted Wells, locker room attorney, to chase down every possible lead to get to the bottom of this horrifyingly regrettable schmozzle, and effectively bring a calm rational end to the controversy that has rocked the very foundations of the NFL.

In other words, kill it.

Mr. Wells however has been diligent, and we have been able to get an inside look at his case book.  Dates are omitted, but you can follow the subject line pretty well:

Iron Ball

Volume X Temperature = Pressure

~ Pigskin or Naugahyde? ….  Steer hide!   Who knew?

~ Cage free steers… more relaxed?

~ Check laces.  Proper bow?

~ Left handed or right handed balls?

 

~ “Let it Go”… Roger singing this…why?

~ Bratwurst steamer in locker room.  Why?

Aaron Rodgers

“I had trouble getting these in so I bled them off a bit…”

~ BP station in Glendale.  Check pumps.

~ Gluten free steers… more relaxed?

~ State Farm “Pump You Up” commercial.  Code?   What’s with Aaron Rodgers?

~ Belichick… Ideal Gas Law??  Physics degree??

~ Mythbusters test lab– put in call 

~ Mental state of footballs?

~ Presidential PAC for Roger.   Too much?

Mythbuster Lab

“Yunno what we need to try next?”

~ Get plane tickets, sunscreen

~ Set up out-of-office voice mail

~ Empty shredder

   The report may come out soon, but it will be as light as the victimized footballs.   The next time we hear about the infamous footballs will be on Cold Case, or on Discovery Channel’s expose on Stonehenge.  Stay tuned!

 

 

 

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Media, Politics, Sports

Complicated Is Right

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Will Estes and Tom Selleck tackle a dilemma.

Our favorite TV police commissioner is Frank Reagan (Tom Selleck, Blue Bloods, CBS) who presents at least one pithy moral judgement at the Reagan family dinner table on Sundays.   Lately, he said: “Doing the right thing may be hard, but it’s not complicated.”

So it probably was hard, and not complicated for NBC to say ‘anchors away’ to Brian Williams, who will go without work or pay for 6 months.

As a loyal fan of the NBC News show, I will miss Mr. Williams, but at the same time, the quick action of his management will save his reputation for another day.   (It begs the question, when he returns in August, will he have a weathered tan, beard and shaggy hair, shod in Birkenstocks?)

This week the American audience had another cold shower when the International Little League stripped the Jackie Robinson West baseball team of their 2014 U.S. Championship title.

The flames haven’t quite burnt out in this issue, as a legal suit is now underway against the League contesting the decision.   But there might be kudos for the individual or group who made the vacating decision.   We’ll wait to see.

In these two instances however, one must respect the gumption of the decision makers, to essentially throw away the enormous investment of public goodwill and the positive momentum directed at both Williams and the Little Leaguers during their respective arcs.

The Jackie Robinson West team, reputedly disadvantaged Chicago south siders, practiced and played their way to the top of the heap, a great story.   Brian Williams, hardly disadvantaged, but still trusted and loved as America’s #1 rated news anchor… could he just be a celebrity entertainer after all?

These are huge disappointments.   But due to some tough decisions, the integrity of the Little League, and of the NBC News can be preserved.   There won’t be any nagging thoughts and “yeah-buts” in the future.

Which raises another troubling question: what about those deflated footballs?

Is it possible that the NFL will escape the painful compression point of making a decision some day?   Does the investigation, effectively in place since January 22, continue long enough that the public loses interest as MLB Spring Training hovers on the horizon?

It must be tough in NFL headquarters, especially when the public saw one of the best games ever, with impossible catches, Tom Brady with his 4th Super Bowl ring, Katy Perry and her sharks, and the incomprehensible Lenny Kravitz dazzling us at half time.

Against that euphoric background, and pumped up with countless $4.5 million ad spots, it will be very, very hard for the NFL to stick a pin in the balloon if the investigation turns up any factual details of malfeasance.

In the mean time, we’ll coast through to the next Super Bowl, but always with a nagging thought, a “yeah-but” on our conscience.

Which brings me back to another observation that Frank Reagan tells his family a week later at the table: “Doing the right thing is easy.   Deciding  what is right is hard.”

 

Just my point of view obviously, but tell me if you have another perspective I didn’t consider.  Thanks for reading!

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direct mail, Sports

The Irresistible Offer, and Making Money

Golf 2014-11-19 739 short

There is no shortage of advice for this game.

The mailbox is a limitless supply of surprises. Today, it presented a special offer from Golf Magazine, one that I could not refuse.

In direct mail, there are offers, but more important, there are deals, and Golf’s latest was a doozy.
This simple envelope expressed a blunt sentiment: ONE TIME ONLY!

Golf 2014-11-19 740 deal

“April is 5 months off, but we want you NOW.”

Does that sound like something your parents would have said?

How about Golf’s business manager, in response to the giddily optimistic circulation manager who came up with the crazy deal?

Golf 2014-11-19 740 six free

Half a year in the upper midwest is golf-free, so why not?

This was in fact a renewal letter. An advance renewal, 5 months out from April 2015, which is the last issue date.
So here’s the deal: 12 issues for a year, PLUS six more issues, for $10.  Basically 63 cents an issue.

Desperate?

Digging through my recycle bin, I found a September Golf blow-in card offering 12 issues for $16. That’s 75 cents each.

Golf 2014-11-727 yellow deal

Relax, there’s always a better deal coming.

At this juncture, one could decide to defer, just because, who knows, golf may never occur again on the planet due to snow, so what’s the point?

But then the real deal emerges. In addition to the 6 free issues, the renewal also came with a 90-page expert guide: “The Best SHORT GAME Instruction”. Downloadable with paid order. Sweet!

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Lining up the three wood for a water hazard.

Let me perambulate for a moment to say that I play the short game very well.

I can shoot a 56, +/- 2 strokes in 9 holes consistently. I don’t need to play 18 holes to break 72. I can do it in 12, no sweat.

But maybe the book could offer some consolatory advice.

The question we should ask, is how can Golf make any money giving away the magazine almost for free?

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The circulation director shuddered with this deal.

As it turns out, Golf needs me as much as I need their Instruction book. You see, they promise to their advertisers to deliver 1,400,000 magazines a month to avid readers like me.

Looking at Golf’s 2013 rate card, one will find that a full-page color ad goes for $207,100. That’s about the price of a house trailer in Fort Myers.

There are lots of angles in buying ad space, but at the end of the day, a 125-page Golf Magazine carries about 40 pages of color ads, generating $8,300,000 in sales.   About $5.92 per reader.

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The essential irresistible offer: FREE advice.

The magazine may cost as much as $2 to print and mail, so that leaves nearly $4 left to create, write and photograph.  Should be enough!

And what about my $10?  Where does that go?   Well, assuming they wrote to 120,000 subscribers with an April 2015 end-date, their mailing cost is about a dollar each, all in.  $120,000.  Odds are, about 15,000 may renew, which is $150,000 to cover the mailing with something left over for the gent who wrote the SHORT GAME guide.

IMG_1141So that excited Circ manager maybe isn’t so crazy after all.

Now we’ll see if the guide can make my game any shorter.

 

 

Thanks for following the math on this.   If you have any tips on improving my game, just write!

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Sports, Wildlife

October 29, An Unintended World Series Moment

Sarnia – Ontario Border Town.

Moments after Game 7 started, a quick visit to the parking lot of our hotel presented this fleeting pleasure: the smell of Fall.

It’s cool here, about 45’F, and the air is refreshingly moist, a mile away from the St. Clair River.

There is an enchanting fragrance in the air. It’s the sweet musty smell of old leaves. Millions of oak, maple and ash leaves, colorful all day,  have fallen to the ground, and are settling in to their final journey of decay. Above them, several million more are hanging on, urging their last breath through the night air.

The bouquet excites the olfactories. It ignites memories of secret Halloween raids on dark nights, running down alley ways and through back yards, over fences, chasing, or being chased.

All the while, there’s this intoxicating sensation from long ago: the cold brew of spent leaves, spiced with distant wood smoke, floating across the yards, streets and empty verandas of a small country town.

Upstairs, it’s 2-0, San Francisco over Kansas City, top of the 2nd.

I really hate to leave this, but it’s baseball.

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direct mail, Sports

Mail Order Law Course

Only a couple weeks ago I excitedly popped my member application into the mail to the U.S. Golfing Association.

Tell me you agree: there is nothing like the anticipation attached to mail order, waiting for that parcel to arrive.   In this case, the USGA won me over with membership to their organization, and sweetened the deal with their 2015 Chambers Bay Open hat.

The Hat: Mailorder Delivers!

The Hat: Mailorder Delivers!

But there was more. They also promised an official member card, and a golf bag tag, and… the USGA official book, Rules of Golf.

Today, my package arrived, and I had torn it open by the time I had walked up the driveway.

Up until now, I had viewed the game of golf as an enjoyable diversion: walking the fairway in search of a runaway ball, or flumped on a couch Sunday afternoon, taking vicarious enjoyment and frustration while millionaires bounced shots off spectators onto lush, hand-tweezed greens.

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“I did not know that!”

With the Rules of Golf in hand, the sport has new deeper meaning, with profound implications.

It’s much like my driving a car for all my life.   Only now to find that our state Rules of the Road, or Driver’s Handbook has 96 pages of rules, none of which I knew.

The USGA book is twice the size.

As a duly accredited and newly admitted USGA member, I opened the Rules of Golf.   About the size of the iPhone 6, it has 208 pages, written in 6-point type.  It fits in my back pocket, and just like the iPhone 6, it bends easily.

It turns out that there are only 34 rules.  Well, 34 subject areas perhaps.   Then the lawyers have their say.

But in a moment of merciful brevity, the governors have provided “A Quick Guide to the Rules of Golf”.  Kind of like a Cliff Notes.  It’s only 7 pages, which you might browse through as you pay your green fees.

In a like-minded spirit of expedition, I am not going to review all the rules with you here, but I would be remiss in not highlighting a few key canons of the game.

For instance, the attention to nuance as noted on page 9: “Understand The Words”.   You won’t find this type of consideration in the Drivers’ Handbook.

Grammar 101, with the bark left on.

Grammar 101, with the bark left on.

Or the oblique reference to emotion in the section on Unnecessary Damage, page 21.

"Now settle down, or we will stop the cart!"

“Now settle down, or we will stop the cart!”

Not to mention on page 37, the inside lore of match play, which identifies the condition for being a “dormie”.  We gather this is not a sleep mate, necessarily.USGA 534dormie

And the curious, repetitive references to remnants of manufactured ice which apparently is randomly found across the boundless green of the course.   One needs to study the forensics on this phenomenon.USGA 533 ice

And it pops up again…USGA 535ice casual water

Lastly, as we can expect, the USGA staffers make earnest attempts to define a circumstance for clearer understanding, as shown in the “Nearest Point of Relief”, page 30.

Not necessarily "fast acting" relief.

Not necessarily “fast acting” relief.

With that, I am off to the club, with my legal team in tow, and “for the good of the game”!IMG_1152

 

Thanks for reading!   In the midwest, the days are getting shorter, and the opportunity to enjoy a walk in temperate climate and sunshine is shrinking.  Kudos to USGA and their mission to bring golf to all who would enjoy the sport.  

“For The Good Of The Game” is copyright USGA.

 

 

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direct mail, Marketing, Media, Sports

How the USGA Got My Attention, Fast.

My walk to the mailbox this morning was rewarded by an irresistible offer from the U.S. Golfing Association. A FREE hat!USGA 2014-09-15 505 hat

How can you say no?

Their generosity gives me hope, too. This may be the re-emergence of the direct mail gift premium.

Once there was a time when any subscription offer came with a free gift. A calculator. A tote bag.   We even received a world globe from Macleans Magazine.

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A worldly gift with every subscription.

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The USGA wants me. They actually want me!

This kit begged to be opened. Not because there was a hat, but because the USGA had enclosed a card. For me. An official USGA card for a horrible axe-wielding duffer who scores a rambunctious 108 on a good day.

My handicap is so far off the chart I get a special space to park the golf cart.

USGA 2014-09-15 505 card

I am keeping this close by until my real card arrives, with my hat.

Nevertheless, I am moved by the card. I want it. Opening the kit, I am further thrilled to see that I can join the USGA and get a FREE USGA Open 2015 hat.

USGA 2014-09-15 505 slogan

A great slogan. But they don’t know me well.

At this moment, we have approximately 30 hats on the coat rack, all emblazoned with someone else’s logo. I don’t need another hat. But truly, I want this USGA hat.

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A compact offer, with color, balance, and readable content.

It’s like they recognize me. And how I have toiled to write “single-bogey” on a par 3.

Economics: Does This Kit Pay For Itself?

USGA 2014-09-15 505 benefits

All this stuff comes with the hat. How can you decline?

As thrilled as I am, and I am sure countless thousands of other golfers are thrilled at a Free hat offer, will the USGA lose its shirt with this offer?

No way, and here’s why:

All in, the postage and production for this piece was probably 40-cents. Let’s say they mailed 100,000 pieces. That’s $40,000 out of pocket. Now imagine that 2% of the readers sign up. They each pay $10 to join USGA. That’s 2,000 new members, for $20,000.

But the hat probably cost USGA $10, so the USGA ends up with 2,000 new members, each with a new hat. And a $40,000 bill.

USGA 2014-09-15 507Imagine now that the USGA direct marketing manager goes into the president, and says, “Chief, I just got 2,000 new members. They cost us $20 each!”

He replies, “Awesome– because at least 1,000 of these members will renew next year for $25 each. And 50 of these members will come to the Open and drop about $250 a day sipping coolers in the Club at Chambers Bay between strolls along the course to see the pros.  We pretty much break even.”

Second Thoughts About The Hat

USGA 2014-09-15 505 email

This microscopic email form has just enough room for “@”.

I have mailed my reply, and am quietly excited about my new hat.  And the free golf rules I get, and all the other stuff.  But really, it’s the hat.

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The thrill of mail order is waiting for the merchandise.

And then I start to think, what happens when I wear this hat?   First off, it’s yellow– school bus yellow.   So I will be easily identifiable on any golf course, or in any bar, as the duffer who went for the $10 hat.

Some earnest, scratch golfer will ask, “Are you going to the Open in Chambers Bay?”

“No, not really.”

“So why the hat?”

Or some hopeless hacker like myself will see the hat and ask, “Can you help me with my swing?”

“No. I’ll make your helicopter swing look like Blackhawk Down.”

So the hat is on its way, but I am not exactly sure I can wear it.

USGA PhilAnd that just might be “For the good of the game”.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading.   If you are a direct marketer, perhaps you should test out some gift premiums.   And make sure you put me on your list.

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childhood, Culture, Sports

For All The Marbles

There was a time when a young boy’s wealth was measured in marbles.   In my hometown, Delhi, Ontario, any 8- to 10-year-old was appointed rank according to how low his pants sagged after a lucky run at the alley pots in our school yard.

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Wealthy beginnings.

We called these beautiful pieces of glass “allies”, and we played on a hard-packed stretch of topsoil just east of the bike racks under a young oak tree.  Alley season started in late April, as soon as the ground dried up from winter, and lasted until school adjourned, end of June.

The alley “pots” peppered a 50-foot square of packed dirt, which looked like a miniature minefield pocked with tiny craters, and not one blade of grass in sight.   The dirt patch was as noisy and busy as any Vegas casino, with players hustling any comer when a pot freed up for a game.   Pint-sized spectators crowded the action like gamblers around a craps table.

The pot was a significant diversion from tradition.   Generally people describe “marbles” as a ring drawn in the dirt or pavement, and a bunch of marbles inside the ring.   Two players would flick marbles at the inner circle, claiming any they knocked out of the ring.  Like dodgeball.

Our game was a more like golf.   The pot was dug into the dirt.   Kids would rotate about ten times on their heel, and form a 4-inch- deep pot that measured about 6 inches across.     Do NOT try this at the golf course.   The pot was the target, and also held the stakes–a heap of 10, 20, 40, maybe a 100 marbles.   Each player would keep one marble out for play.    Stepping about ten feet back from the pot, they dropped their marble, and would alternately inch the marbles towards the pot, usually with their foot.

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Big stakes for the winner of the pot.

The moment of truth occurred when a player felt they could sink one of the marbles into the pot.   Crouching down on one knee, they pushed the marble with a curled forefinger.   Much like golf putting without the fancy shoes.  Or billiards, with no cue.  Or like curling, without the 40-pound rock.

That decisive shot may have been 5 feet away, or perhaps only 12 inches, depending upon the smoothness of the path, the break, and the depth, width and contents of the pot.  If the marble dropped, the player had another turn with the remaining marble.   He might inch that one along, or, take the long shot.   If it sank, he won the pot.   If he missed, then the next turn went back to the other player, who probably would sink it.

With that, fortunes were won and lost every minute with a chorus of cheers and groans around the alley pots.

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A “starry boulder” with three small friends.

And fortunes they were. The Chainway sold “starries”, 30 for a dime.   The starry was a half inch in diameter, and had a twirly colored pigment frozen into the center of the marble.   If you had the money, you might pick up a bag of starry “boulders”.   These were nearly an inch in diameter and went 6 for a quarter.  Pricey, but in the school yard, they traded around 10:1 against the smaller marble so there was room for arbitrage among the quicker thinking players in the yard.

Possessing a fortune in marbles was risky, too.

According to their job description, grade school teachers are hired to confiscate marbles.  In class, the sound of a vagrant marble clattering among the chair legs on a hardwood floor felt like money falling down a grate.

Aggies were the antiques of marbles.

“Aggies” were the antiques of marbles.

Logging the misdemeanor, the teacher would demand the marble be retrieved and placed in a mason jar on the corner of their desk.   You could buy them back, 3 for a penny, proceeds to the Red Cross.

This was a tension-filled time for big winners, whose loaded pockets would bulge like mumps.   Gingerly sitting down with the grace of a hemmorhoidal sufferer, the trick was to keep the pockets vertical to the fall line, and packed tight.

Kids with zippered cargo pants could plop, heavily laden, into their chair with impunity, but if they didn’t wear belts, they ran the risk of mooning the class which was a major felony.

A super boulder aggie, bigger than a quarter.

A super boulder aggie, bigger than a quarter.

Of all my childhood past times, allies made the deepest imprint.   In 5th and 6th grade, I played with stakes from one to twenty marbles, and had won pots as high as 400.

But I have lost 400 too, which twisted the sharp blade of experience, let me tell you.   So much so, that I cannot pass a marble display in a toy store today without picking up a bag or two.   Now, a marble costs about 10-cents each, a 3,000 % inflationary effect.

Do you know some popular brands of liquor use small marbles in the bottle neck to slow the flow?   I cut them out when the bottle’s empty.  So far, I am not buying liquor just to retrieve the marble.  My wife shakes her head, staring at me– a sorry junkie who can’t kick the habit.

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A “purie” boulder and marble. Johnny Walker Double Black provided the tiny one.

I am not sure what to do with my stash: two large Crown Royal bags.   While I want to give them to my grand kids, I have this shameful, miserly greed that won’t let them go.  Remember in “Ghost” when Whoopy Goldberg won’t let go of the $4,000,000 check?  It’s like that.    I am afraid they’ll end up at the bottom of a fish tank.   Or worse, inside a flower pot anchoring a bunch of tulips.  It would be okay if they were displayed in a glass table, maybe.

IMG_6987

The alley bag of choice.

But what I wouldn’t give to take the whole lot of them to a school yard next week and find a buzzing, hard-packed dirt casino, under the shade of an oak, churning with the yell of young risk takers, digging holes for a new game.

 

 

 

Thanks for sticking with me as I try to control this habit of mine.  I just can’t shake it.  If you “like”, say so, and please share or follow!

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At the end of a long successful day.

 

 

 

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Sports

Hands Up!

Does praying really work?   I am guessing it does, because any footballer whoever crossed a goal line knows that next to putting both feet on the ground, it’s getting an elbow down on bended knee fast that is just good sense.    Especially if your contract is up this season.

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“…for three more years on my contract, a product endorsement, and don’t boot my car out front…”

 

It seems that NFL’s Sunday, Monday and Thursday football games ensure that at least three days out of the week, someone is getting to church, sort of.

My question is, should one pray before making the play?   Or only after?   Is a touchdown the minimum requirement for a prayer?   What if one flubs an end zone pass?   Especially in the fourth quarter? Should one whisper a plea for a second chance?  Maybe admit they did not really close their eyes during opening team prayers earlier on?  Personally, I would pray for protection from getting pureed by a highly motivated gang of college-educated, beef-fed, millionaire road pavers.

Of course, the truly devout are curlers.   I witnessed this when I watched an intense match on the ice earlier this weekend while viewing sports TV in a Canadian pub.  On one screen we had football: men in colorful helmets and tight pants;  on another: extreme surfing.   Yet another there was cage fighting, and on the fourth screen, curling.

Curling

As in football, the runner is not down until the knee touches.

 

Without fail, on every shot, the curler would get down on one knee immediately and stay long enough to string together a pitch for charity, world peace, an end to the chicken dance, and for their rock to land on the button at the other end of the rink.

You may think my bar-mates were also praying that they would not to die before they woke at the end of the game, but you would be mistaken.    Despite touchdown passes hurtling through the air, sharks tearing into surfboards, fighter bits oozing through the grills of their cage, all eyes were wide open, riveted solely on the curlers madly swiffing the ice in front of a rock rumbling  down to its target at about 4 miles per hour.

Curling_on_a_lake_in_Dartmouth,_Nova_Scotia,_Canada,_ca._1897

A devout congregation.

 

This past summer the whole issue had come to a head at the NFL where rules are to flag any “excessive” celebration that might taunt an opponent to explode into a melted pool of plastic.

So in practice, it turns out that one-knee prayers are okay, but two-knee prayers are excessive.   Hence the curlers slip in under this definition.

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“Chris, we’re just in warm up.”

 

It is also worthy of note that curling is a game built on contemplation.   In addition to allowing the near glacial speed of the stone, the curlers themselves have up to four minutes to “think” about their shot… which I suspect is separate from praying.

Womens_Curling_Team_Denmark

“You notice they never have blue ones?”

 

This is all well and good that comparisons between the two sports reveal their differences but we would never expect to cross-pollinate the two.

After all, football doesn’t use brooms, and curlers don’t spike the stone.

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