Pitcher Perfect Packaging

How Naked Wines Got A New Angel On Hold

Buying in bulk is always a satisfying event.

Last writing, we witnessed the power of the package insert, that targeted brochure in the Shutterfly shipment that talked me in to buying a case of wine online.

Crazy!

$100 bucks. Does it make sense? Who cares. Go for it!

What follows is the recipe for embracing a customer with a story and greeting that is irresistibly compelling.

Remember that 62% of lost customers complain they were simply ignored. Naked Wines took that lesson to heart.

They pried the door open with a powerful offer: $100 off a case of wine. I was hooked.

As soon as I had hit “send” I received an order confirmation. No surprise.

The huge box was designed and written to please the buyer.

But next came an Html, signed thank you letter from Rowan, the founder of NakedWines.com, including a short story from one of the NW vintners.

Wine, beautifully wrapped and cradled like dynamite.

The company’s proposition is essentially for “Angels” to pre-fund their member accounts, and draw on the account to purchase wines at 40%-60% off the list price.

Beyond the discount, we are cutting out the wholesale distribution constraints which small vineyards face.

Thus, ordering Naked Wines warms you twice: once by buying and then once while drinking.

Good News On The Door Step

In a few short days we took delivery of our starter case of wine. This is where the story gets warmed up with several touches. Pay attention, because the NW marketing team got it right.

Rowan’s letter hints at acceptance to a special club.

The box is about twice the size of a normal wine case. Hah! Stupendous! On the top is a greeting, aimed at Gen-Xers, which is especially charming for retirees like me.

The side of the box reinforces the message that wealth is not a requirement for buying good wine. Great! Costco can wait.

The embossed envelope is all about celebrating our purchase.

Cracking open the gigantic carton, we find more package inserts, making more ridiculous price offers.

Underneath, four layers of insulated wine bottles are revealed like shining mummies in a newly discovered tomb.

The embossed envelope is stuffed with bumper stickers, window stickers, and most important, a signed letter from Rowan, the founder of Naked Wines.

But Not So Fast…

A good marketer reminds the consumer how good the deal is.

His message repeats the NW positioning–Angels help small vineyards deliver low-priced, high quality wine, and he starts a tease: you are not an Angel yet.

We are in queue to open a member account, but there are 15,289 in front of us, like Clarence, still waiting to get their wings.

Rowan advises we get an NW app to see our place in line move up as Angels before us finally take flight. Rowan might say, ‘as the eagle flies’, looking at his bank balance.

We aren’t hanging on the edge of our bar stools, but still, Rowan is showing Tom Sawyer-like hesitation in allowing us full Angel status.

Rounding Out the Story

More offers! We can’t save money fast enough.

A well delivered value proposition continually reinforces its message to the buyer, long after the sale. Rowan’s letter includes a graphic for impatient scanners which pictorializes the deal….oh yeah, that’s why I did this.

Beside that, he includes some family photos of the vintners so we can better relate to the hard-working growers we are supporting.

The final touch is brilliant. The vintner writes a signed letter on the back of each wine bottle. Do you read the back of the cereal box while you are munching down your Wheaties? Naked Wines recognizes that habit, and uses it to embrace the buyer with a thank you.

One of the struggling, purple-footed families we are supporting.

The full complement of printed greetings is supported by @NakedWines Twitter address for those candid remarks that might bloom from a recent sit down with a new bottle.

We are in the preliminary round of testing the Naked Wines. It is unlikely we will place the “Strip and Sip” decal on our car window, what with driver distraction rules.

Each bottle is labeled with a signed letter from the winemaker.

Meanwhile, we are assiduously staring at the clouds, swishing grape nectar over our palates, wondering when our Angel number will come up.

Today we are 15,181.

Thanks for reading! I have never got over the excitement of ordering exclusive goods from strangers far away. Naked Wines does its best to enhance the enjoyment of buying.

direct mail, Marketing

How Naked Wines Grabbed Me Fast

Shutterfly books enclosed, along with some very attractive package inserts.

Attending a direct marketing conference in 2012, a confederate sat across from me at dinner and said, “You know where the real money is? Package Inserts.”

Totally hooked on direct mail through the USPS, I had no idea what he was referring to.

He placed a finished lamb lollipop on his plate, wiped his hands, and drew on a full-bodied cabernet that we had supplied for his enjoyment.

The “PI Guy” went on to describe how he identified ripe consumer markets by the goods they received in their mail boxes and doorsteps.

“A mail order buyer spends $150 on cashmere sweaters and nightgowns from Lands End. They are a perfect fit for an offer of another product worth $150, say, home furnishings or specialty foods. You should try these stuffed mushroom caps; they’re exquisite.”

“Yeah, so the buyer…?”

He eyed a medley of greek olives hiding on his plate. “Well, they clearly trust direct mail, and mail order, and they are willing to spend $150 with a complete stranger by all definitions.”

“You have a qualified, high spending prospect?” I suggested.

“Bing! So I include a sales offer in those delivery packages from another marketer. These are called package inserts. And the buyers are highly responsive.” The olives were popped into his mouth like Cheerios lining up for the bowl.

My Mom’s book, a prized collection bound into print.

Fast forward to March 2015. I had just finished designing a book displaying 100 images of my mother’s water colors. I had sent the files to Shutterfly, and after some edits and second runs, had spent $500 on a number of beautiful editions of “Nancy Brown”.

When the books arrived on our doorstep, I was excited. Opening the box, I set aside a handful of coupons to get at the books. Later, as I was collecting all the packaging, I looked at the coupons– package inserts– to see an incredible bargain from a company called Naked Wines.

A ridiculously attractive offer from Naked Wines, by way of Shutterfly.

Naked Wines included a $100 discount off a case of wine. Shutterfly threw in another 25% if I acted fast on the offer. Before I knew it, I had registered with Naked Wines, and ordered their starter case. 12 bottles, $75.

Naked Wines immediately sent me an email saying I had joined a select group of “Angels”. More on that later. The wine was promised to arrive soon.

Yesterday I found a giant box from Naked Wines on our doorstep. As promised, 12 bottles were inside.

The power of package inserts can’t be denied. They are meeting the buyer at the point of actual delivery, who is flushed with the excitement of their purchase.

Visualize the moment: your shopper, opening a heavily branded container, sees the object of their desires and congratulates themselves for being an independent-thinking, smart spending, shop-at-home consumer. Simultaneously, they flip through a set of offers targeted at their jugular: quality, self-indulging items that belong beside the initial purchase.

Naked Wines delivers! 12 bottles, $75 bucks.

The Naked Wines delivery did not disappoint when it arrived. 12 bottles for $75 bucks…how could it? But more about their deal another day. The big winner was the package insert guy who tied Shutterfly and Naked Wines together to find me in a moment of oenological weakness.

This is a huge business opportunity. And here’s why: between USPS, Fedex and UPS, Americans received over 7.3 billion packages last year. That’s about 23 million flushed and excited customers opening their front doors every day to grasp their prize.

The enterprising marketer only needs to find those direct marketing companies who have some cross affinity, and make a deal to provide an inventory of package inserts for every carton that goes out the door.

From there, they wait for the orders to come in.

Thanks for reading! I have to tell you about the Naked Wines deal. A marketing achievement, and well packaged too. But that will wait until next time. First, I need to examine my purchase.

direct mail, Government, Media

Across The Routed Plain

There is a page on the USPS website which was written to boggle the mind.

It is a story worthy of the read for anyone who views the postal system as a fading presence.

While you have to dig a little, and do your own math, you can learn something fascinating about the real meaning of “ubiquity” and “omnipresence”.

It turns out that America has a network of 4,100,000 miles of roads. From two-rut country lanes to 16-lane raceways. Like a fine mesh of nerves stretching across the continent, the road leads up to the doorsteps of 154,000,000 US mail boxes. Quite incredibly, the USPS drives vehicles along 3,834,000 miles of this road system, six days a week.

This would not seem such a big deal if it wasn’t for the presumption that we are all connected inexorably by the Web.

Truly, the Web has done its best to increase our knowledge about more people than we could ever achieve otherwise, without really coming to know them at all.

Enter the the USPS.

This quasi-Federal organization shows up in person every day to see us. For the working masses, the visit occurred while we were somewhere else, doing our job. For the very young, the out-of-work, for the retired, and home keepers, it’s likely we saw the truck pause in front of our home, or heard a plop and clunk at the front door as a postal person marched across the yard.

The point in all of this is that we are connected by a single, reliable entity that physically bears witness to the daily lives of the country’s people. Present and accounted for.

To fill this in a bit, the post office drew over 244,000 separate routes on a map to come see us, and ostensibly sent over 211,000 couriers out to make the call, judging by the number of vehicles in use.

Just for comparison, Google has 54,000 employees, and apart from their roving camera cars, most probably haven’t left the office. Yet they would make the claim they know all about you.

The USPS web page is a column of statistics that may astound you, and then again maybe not. What is riveting nonetheless, is their final, bold statistic– “$0: tax dollars received for operating the postal service”.

Give it a read!

Thanks for reading! I have no affiliation with the USPS, but do value their work and worth. Compared to a lot of government agencies, this one actually gets the job done.

direct mail, Marketing, Media, Thank You

Why Hard Copy Matters

From the time that they could open mail, I have written notes and cards to our grand children.

The goal was to accustom them to the excitement and anticipation that accompanies a successful trip to the mail box.

A real letter will always prevail over an electronic communication with the same content.

Like a personal gift, it eclipses any email.

Granted, the mail box delivers direct mail too, and some may object. But compare a couple letters, catalogs and cards a day versus an earful of robo calls, or endless repeat ads on TV, and nervous, persistent popups on your favorite website, and you are prepared to give the mail man, or mail lady, a pass.

In the social media arena, the email medium has a dark side, which I blundered into this week.

It started when scanning my email folders, I found that I had collected some spam. I opened the “junk” folder to find a stern notice summoning me to a court hearing next week.

The subject line was ominous: County Court Summons.

Hunh?

Like a total rube, I opened the email for details. It announced that I had been summoned by a named county court officer to appear March 25. I was advised that in my absence, the court would proceed with actions as described in the official court document attached.

“Gawrsh, holy moley,'” I said under my breath, “I better open this file, pronto!”

Uh-Oh.

When I did, the computer screen flooded with a thousand lines of code. More characters than a kanji encyclopedia scrolled before my bedazzled eyes.

In a panic, I punched keys left and right, closing the file, and dove under the desk for the power cord, to rip the laptop off the grid.

Pointless of course.

Returning to the spam folder, I found another foreboding greeting, this one from E-Z-Pass toll collections warning me to pay off past due charges immediately.

Much wiser now, I did not open the Official Billing Notice attached.

I had been duped by the brusk, official look of the email, and should have recognized the ruse immediately.

Email builds its own insensitivities. We are more disposed to ignore it, or save it never to read later. It’s a casual, low calorie communication.

Conversely, without thinking, we may dive right in like I did, and open it, only to poke a bees’ nest.

The real deal: Federal property carrying real value.

Regular postal mail requires much more attention, both by the writer, and the receiver. The fact that postal mail is a Federal government enterprise, armed with regs that have brought many a crook to jail, gives me great comfort.

Esthetically, there is enormous value in every personal letter, because it’s a perfect indicator of care, concern and thoughtfulness.

We feel good opening a letter, and just as good writing them.

So I continue my efforts on peppering the grandkids with real letter mail, printed on paper, much in the tradition of my own grand parents, hoping that one day, they will get the bug.

It’s slower, physical, and more thoughtful.

And who knows, maybe just one day, what goes around will come around.

Economics, Environment, Government, Science

There’s No Hot Water

Shower time: the best moment of the day.

Thankfully, the EPA is taking a closer look at us in the shower.

It turns out that the Environmental Protection Agency has made the important decision to fund the University of Tulsa, which will study the showering practices of America’s hotel guests from sea to shining sea.

“There’s an alarm clock in the sink. Hit it when you’re out.”

Their goal is to develop an app which will monitor our shower usage when we are nipping out to the local hotel for a relaxing sojourn in the tub.

According to U of T, hotel guests are using in excess of 17 gallons of water for a shower. Their proposal: we should limit the wash to 15.5 gallons.

Basically, cut a minute off the most important moment of the day.

“Already? And you want a tip?”

They report this is easily accomplished by turning off the shower while we are lathering.

Tulsa engineers suggest we can further reduce wasted water by taking “navy showers”, i.e.. freezing buck naked in the stall waiting for warm water.

“You know, this could run into money!”

Apparently, the U of T engineers are working on an app that will monitor shower water usage by room, and transmit the data, real time, to the hotel’s accounting department. The proposed objective here is to modify guests’ shower behavior.

May we also suggest more group showers? It used to be that Mrs. Jones’ boarding house filled the tub once, and from there, we all lined up for a dunk like kids.

“Not a chance. I just got here.”

Wisely, the U of T engineers have not proposed twosomes to save water, as the likelihood of less shower time is imaginatively remote.

There is a logical extension in the offing, and that is to enlist the services of outside peer-scoring agencies like the renowned OPower company which has quite successfully modified electrical and natural gas usage.

"With all due respect, your numbers suck, big time."

OPower: “We suggest you skip the conditioner.”

Using meter readings from over 60 million households nationwide OPower has delivered energy savings pushing 5% and more, while simultaneously improving utility company satisfaction ratings.

OPower’s reports provide comparative peer group scores, and also offer energy saving tips to the consumer.

“Time’s up Jarrod. Ranch boys are lined up waiting’ on ya.”

We can see this as a no-brainer in the hospitality industry, where consumers can receive regular reports on their shower usage at the local hotel, or the inn down the road in the next town.

After a few report rotations it would be no surprise if shower usage shrank considerably.

No doubt, the hotel’s satisfaction ratings will skyrocket too.

direct mail, Economics, Marketing

USPS: The Report Nobody Sees

The USPS has published its quarterly Revenues, Pieces and Weights report (RPW) and some trends for both optimists and pessimists will start you thinking. First off, understand that the post office doesn’t observe the normal calendar year, so the numbers shown here are normalized to January-December.

Revenues for the year, up 3.3%
First Class Mail, which includes all the bank statements and financial releases, plus personal letters and cards saw a 2.7% increase in revenues. Pretty good, considering that the class took a 5% increase in price.

Standard Mail which is entirely promotional and non profit mail boomed 5.5%. If nothing else, this is an indicator that the market was ready to invest in Direct Mail.

Periodicals revenues were flat, indicating the continued effect of online access to reading material. Parcels were down as a result of a drop in media and library mail.

Pieces down, virtually flat -0.7%

The big win for the USPS was its ability to bag an increase in pricing without a significant drop in pieces. In 2014 the post office delivered 152 billion pieces of mail, magazines and parcels, down a billion… but what’s a billion? Fundamentally, piece count is the physical evidence: choosing to mail hard copy versus an alternative, such as email.

Drilling in to the numbers, Standard Mail grew a billion pieces, or 1.7%. As can be expected, First Class dipped 1.5 billion. Interesting, in Q4, which includes Christmas, volumes were up in all FCM categories except for single cards and letters. Despite our best hopes, the Christmas season didn’t materialize on the kitchen tables of America as stacks of holiday greetings mail.

The most worrisome segment of the pieces category is Periodicals, which illustrate the rapid decline of magazine mail, the real victim of web communications today. Periodicals dropped 4.7%.

Tonnage down 3.2%

While pieces are down slightly, the total weight hauled took a big dip: 500 million pounds or 250,000 tons. For the record, the USS H.W. Bush Super Carrier weighs 100,000 tons. Can you imagine losing 2-1/2 aircraft carriers in the mail?

But to the point, while mailers only backed off mailing pieces by 0.7%, they were much more careful to lower the weight of each package. So the USPS still walked as many routes as last year, but their trucks didn’t use as much gas.

The drill down shows that Standard Mailers lowered their kit weights by 4.4% to 1.59 ounces on average. Given that the postage is the same for up to 3-plus ounces, it is likely that printing costs drove down the weights. That, and fewer Flat-sized kits.

Periodicals dropped 1%, which translates to fewer page counts, and less advertising. Parcels and packages were down to 2-1/4 pounds.

Only First Class mailers upped their weights.

The Cost of A Stamp Up 4.1%

First Class postage took a real price increase of 5%, and watched its volumes decline 2.2%.

Standard Mailers took a 4.2% increase and grew their volumes 1.2%. This is a clear indication that Direct Mail is enjoying the effect of its financial results in the market place.

Only Packages saw a price decrease, which spelled a slight increase in volume.

What’s Next?

We’ll see how the postage increase affects volumes and revenues after April, 2015. Mean time, it’s a safe bet that Direct Mail is headed in the right direction, and may ultimately be the driving force in USPS revenue stability going forward.

Kudos to the USPS navigating its way through these changing times. If you would like to see the RPWs they are available here… http://about.usps.com/who-we-are/financials/welcome.htm

If you have a question, comment or observation about this report, let me know!

Marketing, Media, Politics, Sports

We’ll Never Hear About Those Balls

Hypertense?

January 18, 2015 the Indianapolis Colts had their hats handed to them by the over-ripe New England Patriots. Moments later the incredible tale of the deflated game balls levitated the media for two weeks until the Super Bowl eve.

“Quickly Roger! The game is afoot!”

By then, suspicions were suspended long enough for the NFL to crown Tom Brady, dispense Rings, get Bill Belichick a new hoody, rush Roger Goodell back to his limo, hustle Katy Perry and her Sharks back into her bus, pack Lenny Cravitz into his box, and to astutely hire Ted Wells, locker room attorney, to chase down every possible lead to get to the bottom of this horrifyingly regrettable schmozzle, and effectively bring a calm rational end to the controversy that has rocked the very foundations of the NFL.

In other words, kill it.

Mr. Wells however has been diligent, and we have been able to get an inside look at his case book. Dates are omitted, but you can follow the subject line pretty well:

Volume X Temperature = Pressure

~ Pigskin or Naugahyde? …. Steer hide! Who knew?

~ Cage free steers… more relaxed?

~ Check laces. Proper bow?

~ Left handed or right handed balls?

~ “Let it Go”… Roger singing this…why?

~ Bratwurst steamer in locker room. Why?

“I had trouble getting these in so I bled them off a bit…”

~ BP station in Glendale. Check pumps.

~ Gluten free steers… more relaxed?

~ State Farm “Pump You Up” commercial. Code? What’s with Aaron Rodgers?

~ Belichick… Ideal Gas Law?? Physics degree??

~ Mythbusters test lab– put in call

~ Mental state of footballs?

~ Presidential PAC for Roger. Too much?

“Yunno what we need to try next?”

~ Get plane tickets, sunscreen

~ Set up out-of-office voice mail

~ Empty shredder

The report may come out soon, but it will be as light as the victimized footballs. The next time we hear about the infamous footballs will be on Cold Case, or on Discovery Channel’s expose on Stonehenge. Stay tuned!

direct mail, Marketing

How To Make Your Mail Indispensable

Direct mail: hard to pitch!

One of the key benefits of hard copy mail is it is harder to throw away. Unlike emails.

So with this thought in mind, take a look at how these marketers deliver the message that can’t be ignored.

Father Flanagan sends 7 cards & envelopes to write and mail.

Father Flanagan’s Boystown is doubling down on their request at our household after they received a modest donation last fall.

This lumpy package delivered 2 notepads, 7 greeting cards, 1 novelty gift bag, and best of all, just like the old Time Life subscription offers, a ball point pen!

Stickers, note pads & gift bag, maybe a little pretty for some crowds, but still…

Not surprisingly, they are asking a minimum of $20 for a gift, which is pretty much what they got last time.

Wounded Warrior Project is much simpler in their acquisition package, merely asking for a first time gift of $10.

It is a real stamp, and let’s remind you.. Federal property!

What is nagging in this kit is their gift of one Purple Heart postage stamp.

Paper-clipped to show through the double window, it is impossible to throw away. But could you use it without sending back a donation?

March of Dimes seems just like that!

The March of Dimes continues its efforts with the symbolic gift of a dime. Pocket the money and start the car? Probably not.

Lastly, and possibly the most insistent in a subtle way is the Catholic Relief Services which have enclosed a quarter-sized brass plated Guardian Angel coin. Unlikely that many will show up in a vending machine any time soon.

What fates are you tempting by pocketing this coin, gratis?

Generally, the public, and more specifically, the digerati generation snicker at direct mail as a past art. Something to view under glass. These marketers can tell you otherwise, and to that end enjoy their day in your mail box.

The driving force in each of these packages is an indispensable gift. It trades on these principles:

1. What will you give in return?

2. You have a branded token to remind you.

“Here, use my pen, please!”

3. You can’t use the gift without breaking a trust.

And for the stingiest curmudgeon, the hardest rogue, the admission: “AAARRRGGHH, I can’t throw the D$$%^^## thing out!

And therein is the value of direct mail.

Media, Politics, Sports

Complicated Is Right

Will Estes and Tom Selleck tackle a dilemma.

Our favorite TV police commissioner is Frank Reagan (Tom Selleck, Blue Bloods, CBS) who presents at least one pithy moral judgement at the Reagan family dinner table on Sundays. Lately, he said: “Doing the right thing may be hard, but it’s not complicated.”

So it probably was hard, and not complicated for NBC to say ‘anchors away’ to Brian Williams, who will go without work or pay for 6 months.

As a loyal fan of the NBC News show, I will miss Mr. Williams, but at the same time, the quick action of his management will save his reputation for another day. (It begs the question, when he returns in August, will he have a weathered tan, beard and shaggy hair, shod in Birkenstocks?)

This week the American audience had another cold shower when the International Little League stripped the Jackie Robinson West baseball team of their 2014 U.S. Championship title.

The flames haven’t quite burnt out in this issue, as a legal suit is now underway against the League contesting the decision. But there might be kudos for the individual or group who made the vacating decision. We’ll wait to see.

In these two instances however, one must respect the gumption of the decision makers, to essentially throw away the enormous investment of public goodwill and the positive momentum directed at both Williams and the Little Leaguers during their respective arcs.

The Jackie Robinson West team, reputedly disadvantaged Chicago south siders, practiced and played their way to the top of the heap, a great story. Brian Williams, hardly disadvantaged, but still trusted and loved as America’s #1 rated news anchor… could he just be a celebrity entertainer after all?

These are huge disappointments. But due to some tough decisions, the integrity of the Little League, and of the NBC News can be preserved. There won’t be any nagging thoughts and “yeah-buts” in the future.

Which raises another troubling question: what about those deflated footballs?

Is it possible that the NFL will escape the painful compression point of making a decision some day? Does the investigation, effectively in place since January 22, continue long enough that the public loses interest as MLB Spring Training hovers on the horizon?

It must be tough in NFL headquarters, especially when the public saw one of the best games ever, with impossible catches, Tom Brady with his 4th Super Bowl ring, Katy Perry and her sharks, and the incomprehensible Lenny Kravitz dazzling us at half time.

Against that euphoric background, and pumped up with countless $4.5 million ad spots, it will be very, very hard for the NFL to stick a pin in the balloon if the investigation turns up any factual details of malfeasance.

In the mean time, we’ll coast through to the next Super Bowl, but always with a nagging thought, a “yeah-but” on our conscience.

Which brings me back to another observation that Frank Reagan tells his family a week later at the table: “Doing the right thing is easy. Deciding what is right is hard.”

Just my point of view obviously, but tell me if you have another perspective I didn’t consider. Thanks for reading!

Marketing

Mark Twain Would Get It

The mailbox delivered an ominous warning from Sports Illustrated magazine today.

“Please contact us now if you don’t wish to receive the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.”

Really?

Can there be a current SI subscriber out there with at least one Y chromosome who would prefer to drop that issue?

There must be. Perhaps Sports Illustrated has had repercussions in the past. So, as empowered subscribers, who wish to avoid fast moving frying pans, icy stares and “Nothing…” responses to the question, “What’s wrong?” we can now dictate our preferences, setting up a no-fly zone for the magazine.

“If you was to tackle this fence and anything was to happen to it…”

It is good marketing though. SI has distinguished itself as a graduate cum laude of the Mark Twain school of the negative tease, majoring in the iconic lesson of Whitewashing 101. Tom Sawyer dupes his unwitting victim, Ben Rogers, into finishing Aunt Polly’s fence.

As Twain wrote: “Tom had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it—namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.”

That’s the lesson we all learned back when Mark Twain was still persona grata.

Of course we want our swimsuit issue, because it is February.

Here’s the post graduate thesis on the same technique: “Please Bre’r Fox, you can hang me, burn me, drown me, but don’t throw me into that briar patch!” Joel Chandler Harris’s Uncle Remus, also under the same P.C. cloud as Twain, delivers this line for Bre’r Rabbit who plots his escape.

The negative tease lesson has stuck, and now we can see the current rendition, heavy in nuance, pertaining to certain male drug prescriptions. You can bet this one would have raised Aunt Polly’s eyebrow in the parlors of Hannibal, MO back then: “Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”

Never mind. As long as the noxious side effects of all those other prescriptions don’t click in, we’ll be fine.

Still, the envelope has been pushed dangerously farther into each corner with this, the ultimate winning teaser, magna cum laude, the mind-addling warning “...for-more-than-four-hours-you-should-seek-medical-assistance“, courtesy of the makers of– you know, the one with the two tubbed bathers watching the sunset on the cliff.

The challenge on Madison Avenue today is to invent the next tease that eclipses any of those above. It’s not easy.

For instance, the $1,000,000 term life insurance policy tease: “Your beneficiaries better have investment counsellors in place by 3:37 tomorrow afternoon.”

See? It needs work.

In any event, Sports Illustrated readers are standing guard by their mailboxes around the clock, prepared to intercede in the imminent delivery attempt of the magazine.

It’s a very challenging task. Risky. Not done easily, nor successfully by many. Still, thousands will want to try.

Phil Brown

"Like triple cream– rich, pungent, a little barnyardy, and spreads easily. A good cheese."

Pitcher Perfect Packaging

How Naked Wines Grabbed Me Fast

Across The Routed Plain

Why Hard Copy Matters

There’s No Hot Water

USPS: The Report Nobody Sees

We’ll Never Hear About Those Balls

How To Make Your Mail Indispensable

Complicated Is Right

Mark Twain Would Get It

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